Editor's note: (12/29/99)
By the Gamecenter editors Are you tired of all the "me-too" clones out there? Well, we sure are. You know the drill: Company X comes out with a first-person shooter, and everyone tries to cash in on the latest trend. This got us thinking about some games that we're pretty certain won't be coming down the pike. We're talking about games that would have Tipper Gore's head spinning faster than Linda Blair's. If you've ever thought about playing a game in which the object is to hunt down pesky feral cats that have overtaken nearly every city in America, you won't find it in our list! What we've put together, however, is a hypothetical list of the top 10 games we're sure you'll never see. Although our list has some titles that some people might consider sick and twisted, we play games for a living and are subject to a nearly nonstop stream of violent imagery. All of you should be glad that this is how we exorcise our demons. So sit back, check out the top 10 games you'll never see, and be glad that no one's thinking about developing these titles...yet. |
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#10 Seal Clubber (Action)
Forget modern firearms; get back to your roots as a hunter/gatherer in Seal Clubber. This upcoming third-person action game will have you running along the arctic shores in search of that elusive trophy: the baby seal. You'll have to be quick, as the wily seals can waddle into the water to escape out of clubbing range. You'll also have to be careful--that ice is slippery, and if you stumble and knock yourself out, it's game over, Chester. You can pick between five clubs: a traditional Inuit wooden hunting club, a radical tire iron, a spiked medieval mace, an ax handle, or a simple board with a big, nasty nail sticking out of it. Whatever your aesthetic is, Seal Clubber will have it.
But Seal Clubber will be more than just an adrenaline-pumping hunting game; it'll blend the action genre with more traditional simulation. In this harsh winter environment, you'll have to survive on more than just your instincts: Sell your seal corpses to fur traders for big bucks, or barter with the natives for essential supplies such as sled dogs and kerosene. You'll also have some stiff competition. Other clubbers will be vying to get their skins to fur traders as well, so you'll have to set your prices competitively! Of course, there will always be a few radical environmentalists to deal with--if the sealskin market goes belly up, you're sunk. You can join with other seal clubbers and bash those longhaired freaks for extra points, as they try to help Fluffy into the water! Overall, Seal Clubber strikes a nice balance between cooperation and competition. Look for Seal Clubber to hit store shelves north of the 50th parallel on opening day of seal season this year! |
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#9 Barbie's Cosmetic Surgery Makeover (Edutainment)
Get deeper than just any old plain-jane fashion makeover and start working where it counts--on Barbie's bod! In this edutainment product, not only will impressionable young girls learn that beauty is more than skin-deep, but also these truisms will be driven home as they teach themselves the basics of plastic surgery. Barbie's Cosmetic Surgery Makeover lets you, the gamer, enhance upon Barbie's already close-to-perfect measurements; perhaps a firmer butt or breast reduction, or even a little liposuction on the hips, is in order. With a few clicks of the mouse, you can virtually enhance Barbie in many ways: from cellulite and collagen injections to rhinoplasty and tummy tucks. This CD-ROM has it all.
In the Surgeon Editor mode, you can come up with your own operations and perform spectacular new bodywork on Barbie. Save your more "successful" operations and post them on the Web, or trade them on AOL. There's even a Freak of the Week award for the best enhancement ideas. The game also sports TWAIN drivers so that it can interface with your digital camera, allowing you to take digital pictures of yourself to see what you would look like with a perfect body. Both an educational product and a game, Barbie's Cosmetic Surgery Makeover promises hours of fun as you invent new looks for your favorite doll and yourself. In no time at all, you'll be on the road to a rewarding career as a plastic surgeon or a successful model and actress/actor (after your makeover, of course!). Note: Any resulting eating disorders are strictly the responsibility of the party who purchases the game. |
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#8 Bust A Groove With the Village People (Video Games)
In this upcoming add-on to 989 Studios' epic party game Bust A Groove, you'll be able to take on the roles of the disco-era party boys the Village People, as they shake and groove their way on a variety of dance floors. All members of the Village People--the cowboy, the cop, the Indian, the biker, the army man, and the construction worker--will be featured in this add-on, and each will sport his own unique moves, including six awesome new attack moves. This add-on will include six new stages that are based on each of the six characters. The cop's stage will resemble an urban scene, replete with broken-down cars, loitering junkies, and the requisite trimmings befitting the urban strife that he is responsible for righting. Be sure to utilize his attack move, as few opponents will be able to guard against this nightstick-wielding constable on patrol.
The Indian's stage will be along the edge of the Grand Canyon, and if you perform well, eagles can be seen flying by in the background. Perform really well, and watch as an amazing thunderstorm is summoned to drench the parched landscape. The Indian's unique attack move will resemble a rain dance and will send a bolt of lightning through his opponents. The construction worker's stage will resemble a construction site; be sure to take note of the earth-moving equipment in the background. The construction worker's attack move will involve throwing a hammer at opponents, knocking them out. The biker's stage will be a seedy biker bar, where fights will break out depending on how well you are dancing. Be sure to test out his attack move, which entails sending a butterfly knife through the air at opponents. Lastly, the army man's stage will be in an army barrack and will take place at night, while the other soldiers are tucked away in their bunks. As the dance party proceeds, the sleeping soldiers will begin to rustle; if the party really gets started, they'll hop out of their beds and join the festivities. The army man's attack move will be, by far, the hardest to defend against, as he'll whip out his army-issue 9mm and commence firing. Look for Bust A Groove With the Village People to ship sometime in early October 1999. |
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#7 Geriatric Racer (Racing)
Are you tired of racing games that boast the most radical cars, the sickest weapons, and the most horsepower? If you answered an emphatic "yes," then fasten your seatbelts boys and girls, because this ain't your daddy's racing game--it's your grandma's! Developed in conjunction with the feisty advocacy group Gray Panthers, Geriatric Racer doesn't have you acting out some wild fantasy as a twenty-something stud with a vendetta and a penchant for confrontations. This game puts you in the old folks' seat for real. Have you ever dreamed of being a blue-haired old lady who can barely see over the dashboard of her immense Cadillac? Well, dream no more. That's right, in Geriatric Racer you won't compete to avenge the death of your kid sister or to save the human race; in this title you'll take on the day-to-day challenges that grandma and grandpa face.
Geriatric Racer offers timed races. Weave in and out of traffic and run cars off the road in the race to the Social Security office to pick up that elusive government check. In the Sunday Driver race, run red lights--while completely oblivious of the family of four that you nearly ran over--as you race to the finish line at speeds upwards of 20 miles per hour. Pick from a variety of vehicles that are favorites with the "silver set." There are plenty of boxy American-made sedans to choose from: the no-frills Dodge K-Car, the ultrasmooth-driving Cadillac El Dorado, the swinging Chevy Impala, and the infamous Chrysler Le Baron. You can also unlock a secret Rascal mode, in which you race around a mall-themed track on three-wheel electric scooters! |
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#6 New Fish: Life in the Can (RPG)
People have been hailing 1999 as the year of the RPG, and we admit to being truly impressed by some of the contenders: Baldur's Gate, EverQuest, Final Fantasy, and so on. But it's time to overhaul the RPG genre. How many rogues do you have to hang out with before they start to get on your nerves? How much manna can you collect? Let's be real. Enter New Fish: Life in the Can by first-time developer Gut Sack Interactive. New Fish ain't your daddy's RPG. With five races to choose from--African American, Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic, Pacific Islander--you use extortion, violence, and any other means necessary to gain influence and power, as you try to rise to the top of the prison's underground power system.
Choosing a race is an integral part of your experience in New Fish, as each race has its own advantages and disadvantages. Caucasians can leverage their relations with the Aryan Brotherhood for protection, and African Americans can form bonds with the Nation of Islam. As you gain respect in the system, you'll be able to form gangs of your own, but you won't be able to place just anyone in your gang. As in other RPGs, the members of your gang have to be compatible, so race and temperament are of the utmost importance. If your gang is predominantly Hispanic, adding an NPC from a rival Aryan gang is liable to cause a rift in your group's cohesion. Likewise, if your gang's primary modus operandi is one of stealth and treachery, adding a wild seven-foot-tall hillbilly from the boondocks might jeopardize your group's effectiveness. This being prison, violence occurs, and you have to protect yourself; in New Fish, though, you won't find a Glock 9mm floating around or crates full of grenades. The acquisition of weapons in this game requires more cunning methods. Purchase a toothbrush, and after a day of grinding it away on your cell's concrete floor, you'll have an awesome shank. Or better yet, you can barter with other inmates. Let's say Cookie down the hall has a switchblade; it's up to you to figure out exactly what he...uh...she would like in return for it. All in all, New Fish: Life in the Can offers gamers what they crave most: realism in a contemporary setting like no other. Infinitely replayable, the game makes rising to the top of one of the toughest prisons in a crooked penal system fun. |
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#5 Lumberjack (Sim)
Hearken back to the days when men were men and women served up stacks of hot pancakes for breakfast. If you long for these days, and have a plaid fetish to boot, then Lumberjack from Chipsoft is the sim for you. You start off by picking from more than 100 plaid shirts with which to outfit your 'jack. The game also sports a plethora of upgrade options, allowing all of you would-be 'jacks to increase the length of your chainsaws, as well as boost your power output. But don't get too excited, Chachi; you have to work your way up the ladder, starting out with a simple ax and whetstone to keep old Bessie sharp.
In Lumberjack, your objective is to see how many ancient redwoods you can cut down in a day! You also get bonus points if the tree you cut down has a spotted owl nest in it or some hippie environmentalist chained to it. After clear-cutting 100 acres and choking the mountain streams where salmon spawn with mud, you move on to even more virgin wooded lands in the far reaches of the Pacific Northwest. Be warned, though; life as a lumberjack isn't without danger, and in the race to feed society's ever-increasing demand for junk mail and toilet paper, you have to avoid felling a tree on yourself and your buddies. You also have to keep a keen eye out for trees that are "protected" by railroad spikes and such, as a nasty piece of iron will wreak havoc on your favorite chainsaw or, even worse, put out an eye. A Brazilian rainforest add-on mission pack is planned for release later in 2000. Sting, along with famed Brazilian percussionist Jobim, is reportedly in talks to do the soundtrack. |
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#4 Whale Hunter: Thar She Blows! (Naval Sim)
With the increase in popularity of hunting games, Nome, Alaska-based developer Damn It's Cold will rock the gaming world with its upcoming title, Whale Hunter: Thar She Blows! Combining elements of such visceral games as Deer Hunter and its many iterates, Whale Hunter will appeal to both the naval and sim enthusiast. As captain of the American whaling vessel Succubus, your goal will be to catch and kill more whales than competing nations. But Whale Hunter will be about more than pumping fat sea mammals full of blazing hot steel; you'll have to cope with environmental and navigational conditions as well. Understanding that navigating the world's oceans and seas is no easy task, Whale Hunter's CD-ROM will come with tutorials on how to read a compass, navigate via the stars, and determine what conditions are best for the various whale species you'll be hunting.
You'll also have to dabble in resource management, as you consider how many sailors are needed for each mission vs. the capacity of the ship and the size of the whales being hunted. This will add to Whale Hunter's infinite replayability. Whale Hunter also will sport two multiplayer modes: cooperative and deathmatch. In cooperative mode, up to eight players will compete as a team via LAN or the Internet to track down whale pods. Players can surround the frightened beasts and team up to fill their blubbery bodies full of hot iron. In deathmatch mode, captains will compete in an arctic "gorefest" to see who can slaughter the most leviathans. Set to ship in third-quarter 1999, Whale Hunter: Thar She Blows! is a game the whole family can play--kids will learn about environmental issues such as ocean currents and weather systems, mom will learn exactly what goes into that MAC lipstick she wears, and dad will blow off some steam after a tough day at the office as he shouts, "Thar she blows!" |
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#3 All-Star Sports Rogues (Sports)
This series of sports games from Softhead Sports Software features famous players who've been busted: Lawrence Taylor, Steve Howe, Diego Maradona, and Darryl Strawberry, just to name a few. This promises to be a sports game series like no other, covering several sports in a way that no other sim has ever attempted--from the dark side. In All-Star Sports Rogues, not only will you get to play as your favorite mischief-making pro players on the field, but also you will get to experience life off the field, partying till dawn and dabbling in illicit substances and the occasional transvestite hooker. You'll also be pleased to hear that Softhead has landed Marv Albert to give the colorful commentary.
Hit the gridiron as Lawrence Taylor and, game pad in hand, try like mad to tackle a wily quarterback with controls set up to emulate what it would be like to play professional football under the influence of illicit substances. In the first game of the series, "Hey, Can I Snort the First Baseline?" Baseball, you'll play as Yankee Darryl Strawberry; while gameplay on the field might work just fine, it's the journey from the hotel room to the game that will be perilous. It'll take more than fast-twitch muscles to avoid a group of garrulous hookers or shady dope peddlers. "Because nobody else would pick up a bunch of losers to premiere in a sports game, we decided to come out with a first-class lineup to cater to their fans," said Softhead CEO, Richard Sulease. The first game, due out this November, will be "Hey, Can I Snort the First Baseline?" Baseball. "You'd think it'd be expensive to pick up this many superstars, but it wasn't," said Sulease. And Softhead promises some excellent cut scenes to boot. |
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#2 Nerd: Survival of the Wiliest (RPG)
Relive your days as a high school loser in this true-to-life simulation! Your ultimate goal is to exact sweet revenge on all the beautiful people who made your high school experience four years of unfettered hell! Nerd: Survival of the Wiliest spans a nine-year period in the life of the game's hero, Everydork. Starting as a pimply faced freshman, you endure an unending barrage of taunts and jeers, all so that you can come back to your five-year reunion as a multimillionaire software tycoon! In the cafeteria and in the locker room, you must dodge varsity jacket-wearing jocks, whose sole purpose is to stuff you into lockers and garbage cans, all the while anticipating the stomping they'll deliver to your puny ass after school. Feel the sting of rejection by countless hotties, as they tell everyone in the school that you, Everydork, asked them to the prom.
Power-ups come in the form of report cards reflecting your 4.0 GPA and rice cakes that your mother makes you bring along as snack food. As Everydork, you excel in algebra and science, while you try in vain to cure that acne. How will you survive the most miserable four years of your life? Branching plot lines let you hide out in the chemistry lab or library, gain valuable experience points forging doctor's notes for gym class, and make alliances with other nerds and sympathetic teachers. Now who's laughing, Francis? |
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#1 SimSweatShop (Sim)
One look at PC Data's information, and it seems as if everyone is playing SimCity 3000. It's no surprise. SC3000 is fun and all; that is, until SimSweatShop arrived on the scene. In SimSweatShop, you won't be the castrated mayor of some boring city; you play as El Jefe. Your objective is simple: Make as much money as you can. You start off by running garment shops in various locales, including East Los Angeles, New York City, and Rio Grande, Texas, all the while you're building up your reputation as a stern employer and capitalist. If you make loads of cash and prove yourself to the American Corporate Machine, you'll be transferred overseas to Indonesia, where you'll be in charge of the newest and most productive sweatshop on God's green Earth: the new Nike shoe factory in Jakarta, Indonesia.
Once in Jakarta, you'll be presented with situations that no other sim can boast: government corruption, an unstable government, and rampant poverty. As El Jefe, you'll have to deal with all of these situations, and countless more, as you try to satisfy the expectations of your shareholders back in the States. In SimSweatShop, it takes more than a degree in economics to become the biggest and baddest boss in the land; it takes cunning, a ruthless spirit, and a stiff boot. |
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#10 Exon Valdeez ()
Racing games have been done to death. Face it: If it has four wheels and an engine, there's already at least one or two games featuring that particular car. That's why we're happy to hear that Whale Hunter developer Damn It's Cold is working on its next maritime masterpiece, Exon Valdeez. With two command options, you'll seat yourself on the bridge of the $125 million tanker. The beginner option gives you access to the latest satellite navigation systems, electronic depth finders, radar, and automated gyroscopic controls. The advanced option eschews all that high-tech hardware and allows you to control the ship by relying solely on your gut instinct--as well as a gut full of whiskey. Should you run aground and spill your oil, don't worry; you still can walk away with just a slap on the wrist. You'll have to fend off Greenpeace lawyers and the government as you deny, obfuscate, and distort the truth. Buy time to destroy documents, bribe witnesses, and more. The less you end up paying in fines, the higher your score! The multiplayer mode includes a bumper car-like deathmatch game, in which you'll maneuver your behemoth vessel in the narrow waters of the Prince William Sound, trying to align yourself against your opponents and ram them head-on. The trick is not only to rip a gash in the other fellow's hull but also to set fire to the spilled oil with a flare gun, thus causing a gigantic explosion that destroys the other tanker and cooks all the nearby wildlife. Exon Valdeez should run aground retail shelves later this year. Thanks to reader F. Mantovani for the concept behind Exon Valdeez. |
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#9 SimDictator ()
Don't get us wrong, the SimCity series is composed of great games. But there's a point in SimCity 3000 when you get absolutely fed up with the pointless whining of your citizens. Their complaining is perplexing, because they live in a veritable utopia. Crime and unemployment are nonexistent, health care and education are abundant, traffic and pollution are a myth, and taxes are at an all-time low. Yet the masses are still whiny. The lesson in all this, of course, is that democracy sucks. That's where SimDictator comes in, and this is a game that has whetted our appetites since the first moment we heard of it. In SimDictator, you'll get to rub shoulders with the world's most brutal despots (do names such as Stalin, Pol Pot, and Papa Doc Duvalier ring a bell?), as well as manage your country with an iron hand and do the things you could only dream of in SimCity. Three career paths allow you to play as either the Ultranationalist Right-Wing Tyrant, the Communist Party Chairman, or the Islamic Fundamentalist! Use diplomacy to wring subsidies from your backers, and propaganda to make your way to the top. Resource management will present you with some tough choices. For example, should you hire a few more paramilitary death squads or buy that new MiG fighter wing you've had your eye on? For those who don't want the hassle of having to build their power base slowly and overthrow the existing government, SimDictator will be loaded with dozens of interesting scenarios, both historical and hypothetical. For the history buff, there's Red China and Peronist Argentina (as an added bonus, this scenario includes Madonna singing songs from Evita), and the "what-if" scenarios include this zinger: What if Joseph McCarthy had been elected president of the United States? Barring a NATO intervention, SimDictator should be in stores by the end of the year. The honors for SimDictator go to the reader known only as Bob. |
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#8 Real Golf 99 ()
Golfers like to say that the reason golf is called golf is because a certain other four-letter word (which shall remain nameless on the family-friendly pages of Gamecenter) was already taken. There's a reason for that: golf is really, really hard. That's also a problem with all the golf games on the market. Instead of playing like a real weekend golf game on the local municipal course, they all emulate some "sissy" pro tour with perfect swings and sponsors. And that's why we're so happy that developer Damn, I Whiffed is working on a different kind of golf game, Real Golf 99. You begin Real Golf 99 by having to select your wardrobe from a closet filled with clothes that could be worn only on a golf course. Once you manage to find a decent parking spot at the golf course, you then have the fun of getting in the lottery to determine a tee time. If you're lucky, you might actually play. If not, try again next week. Should you somehow actually get on the course, you'll have to deal with the weather, which is rainy and windy, just like the real world. The fun really begins when you actually get to start swinging your clubs. There's no pansy three-click swing in Real Golf 99. Nope, no matter what you do, the AI will take over and randomly decide where your ball goes. After all, real golf is all about luck, not skill. Thankfully, Damn, I Whiffed is also including a sizable library of colorful curses for all those times you whiff. Best of all, the development team is currently deciding on whether to incorporate real-time voice communications, so you can swear along with your friends! Real Golf 99 should arrive later this year. Thanks to B. McCarthy for Real Golf 99! |
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#7 Pub Fighter (Arcade)
The problem with current fighting games is that they're so over-the-top. Who has ever seen a Street Fighter-like brawl in real life? Pub Fighter, the new promising import from the country that gave us X-Com and Independence War, takes a more realistic approach, moving the action to a place where everybody knows your name: the local pub. The object of the game is to drink at least 18 pints of lager and then proceed to beat the hell out of the wimp on the other side of the bar because (a) he's staring at your girlfriend's breasts (or at least you think he's staring at your girlfriend's breasts); (b) he's thinking about spilling your pint (or at least you think he's thinking about spilling your pint; or (c) he's simply there. Besides your fists, you'll have a wide array of brawling equipment to choose from--chairs, chair legs, bottles, shattered bottles, ashtrays, shattered ashtrays, tables, and a big ol' nasty club with a nail sticking out of it may all be used to brutal effect. Beware of the Bouncer, because if he gets his mits on you, the odds are good that not only will he bash your brain in and leave you lying in the gutter (spitting out teeth, vomit, and blood), but he'll also take your girlfriend. Expect Pub Fighter to be in stores for the holiday season, making it the perfect gift idea for dads and older brothers. There's no word whether the game's publisher, Sick Boy Games, will rename the game Bar Fighter for its American audience. Thanks to reader J. Lyons for this one! |
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#6 The Average Day in the Life of a Civil War Soldier (Action/RPG)
Now here's an RPG that should put Ultima Online to shame. The Average Day in the Life of a Civil War Soldier has two things going for it. First, it's not another fantasy-based me-too clone. Come on, we've had enough of those damn dungeons and dragons. Second, this is one role-playing game that really puts the emphasis on role playing. As a Civil War soldier, you have to make sure you get up like a real Civil War soldier, meaning that you'll need to be at the first drill on time. Then you'll drill all day. After you drill, you'll write letters to your friends and family. Don't forget to write at least three letters per day to your girlfriend--or she'll dump you! Over the course of a four-year career, you may be lucky enough to take part in at least one or two battles. But here's the part that Ultima Online fans will love: During the long interims between those battles, you'll have to spend months washing your socks and doing all kinds of mundane tasks such as eating, sleeping, and going to the bathroom. If you're looking for something a little racier, there's always the General Joseph Hooker add-on. Ever wondered where the term hooker came from? Well, General Hooker is your man. With the add-on, you'll have an exciting time entertaining some of the best women in America--from both the North and South! The Average Day in the Life of a Civil War Soldier is due out late next year. N. Winebrenner came up with this gem. |
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#5 Dating Life Tactical Simulator (Strategy)
As much as we're intrigued by Wil Wright's upcoming The Sims, we're even more enthralled by the flagship game from Get a Life Software, Dating Life Tactical Simulator. For gamers who have never gone out on a date, Dating Life will show what it's like to socialize with a "real" human being. You pick your partner's personal characteristics, from age and gender to look and even sexual orientation. Afterward, you determine the appropriate setting, ranging from the city, the workplace, a college campus, or even the local neighborhood pickup bar. The location helps determine the nature of your "prey," as well as your competition. For example, a college campus may be loaded with beautiful coeds, but you'll also have to deal with an abundance of jocks. Get a Life promises a real visual treat if the date of your dreams snubs or dumps you. If that happens, you'll get to watch as your heart is literally ripped out of your chest and thrown to the floor. The game's gorgeous graphics will allow you to see your heart beating just before it hits the ground. We're also excited about Dating Life's expected add-ons. Get a Life plans on releasing a steady stream of modules that will insert celebrities such as Lara Croft, Kate Moss, and even Larry Johnson's Grandmama into the game! Before you swinging gaming bachelors get your hopes up, though, we should warn you that Dating Life Tactical Simulator isn't due to ship until next year. Around Valentine's Day, in fact. Way to go K. Lo! Thanks for suggesting Dating Life. |
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#4 Poacher (Sports)
The follow-up to the highly popular Seal Clubber, Poacher takes the action out of the arctic and into the wild. Face it: After you've clubbed one baby seal to death, you've clubbed them all, and soon you'll be looking for a new challenge. With Poacher, you'll get one. Picking up where its predecessor left off, this sequel begins on the ice as you decide to move on. Before you can go, however, you have to poach enough seal skins to get your rear off that freezing ice sheet. To do so, you have to master the age-old Laplander tradition of spearing a seal through the nose and directly to the brain--thus killing it without splattering any blood over all that precious fur. Once you've accumulated enough money, you're ready to travel to exotic locations around the world. How about going after the African elephant or black rhino and their prized ivory tusks and horns? If you do so, be careful, because you have to evade those pesky African park rangers who have orders to shoot poachers on sight. If you're cunning, you can bribe the rangers. It's amazing what a few hundred bucks and a Mariah Carey CD will get you in the third world. Once you're finished with Africa, you can head to Alaska--one of the last great frontiers on Earth--and despoil it. Go after those bears! The Chinese pay a fortune for bear paws, which are used in traditional medicine. Don't think of it as hunting; think of it as helping a fellow human being! And a hunting game wouldn't be a hunting game without a wide array of weaponry. Poacher includes everything from the simple and utilitarian elephant gun and the trusty ol' board with a nasty nail sticking out of it to the 5.56-mm assault rifle that is every hunter's birthright. No worries about lacking the proper weapons! Poacher is due out this December. We've got M. Roesch to thank for Poacher! |
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#3 Syd Meyer's Siliconization (Strategy)
The games of godlike designer Syd Meyer are considered the most addictive and challenging in the history of gaming. In Railroad Tycoon, Meyer challenged you to become a robber baron who needed to build a rail empire across America. With Civilization, he empowered you with the responsibility of overseeing an empire from the Stone Age to the Space Age. And now, the master is back with his most ambitious game ever, Syd Meyer's Siliconization. Instead of managing a corporation or a civilization, Siliconization offers a much, much deeper challenge: managing to keep your computer up-to-date and fully patched for the next four years without going broke or losing your mind. In the never-ending quest to have the latest and greatest computer, prepare to navigate the labyrinthine maze of software patches, BIOS updates, driver upgrades, undocumented "features," poor documentation, no documentation, busy tech "support," and the dreaded "Plug and Pray" hardware device. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Once you've got your dream machine up and running, you'll need to keep it finely tuned. However, expect more than just internal threats. Malicious viruses--such as the Derek Smart virus that locks up your newsgroup reader for a week--are waiting on the Internet to infest your hard drive. In Siliconization, you'll have to not only get a powerful antivirus software package but also remember to update it on a regular basis. On top of all that, you'll have to do everything on a limited budget, so be careful. Do you splurge for that new 3D card, or do you save for your kid's birthday present? Of course, there's always the ultimate challenge of deciding when to ditch your old machine and somehow dig up the cash for a new one. Siliconization is due out sometime next year, and we must admit that we can hardly wait to get our hands on it. Way to go P. C. Nicholson! |
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#2 SimPimp (Strategy)
SimPimp is more proof of the continuing popularity of the Sim-type game. The debut game from Compton developer Gs Up, Hos Down should be a hit with kids in both the inner city and hip-hop-obsessed suburbs. You assume the role of a rookie pimp in Anytown, U.S.A. As you begin play, your girlfriend is turning tricks on the corner; however, you'll soon be on the rise as you try to control entire city blocks with a veritable harem of hookers. Expect to encounter a formidable array of foes, both criminal and legal. Aside from the usual dealings with the police, you'll have to keep a close eye on drug dealers, or else the drug use will rise among your hookers. Then there's the dreaded Taxi Driver, who's hell-bent on greasing you and your pimping ways. When you're not busy fending off your enemies, you'll need to make sure your clients are happy. With care, your client list will be long and distinguished, including famous athletes and local politicians. Do well in the game, and you'll even get the chance to move from Anytown to Washington, D.C., where everyone will do darn near anything if you give them enough money. An innovative new feature will drop you into a first-person perspective, from which you'll be able to survey your territory and deal with your enemies directly. Your weapons will range from the standard 9-mm pistol to a big club with a nasty nail sticking out of it. We should see SimPimp on store shelves soon, and we can't wait to get in on the action. Thanks to reader D. Tristero! |
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#1 Daikatana (Action)
When we first heard of Daikatana two or three years ago, we knew we'd be in for a treat, and boy, were we right. Judging by how long it has taken to get out the door, this long-, long-, long-awaited first-person shooter will undoubtedly be the greatest game of the year. (Our comrades at PC Gamer have already named it the "Greatest Game of All Time!!!!!" with five--yes five!-- exclamation points!) If anything, developer great John Romero has kept us enthralled with his smart-ass quips about making us his b----. After all, any guy who can talk such smack must know what he's doing, right? And boy, he sure wouldn't tell the New York Times that Daikatana, Anacrhonox, and Deus Ex would make between $70 million and $90 million if it wasn't true, would he? Of course, we've heard of the development turmoil surrounding this game, about how the bulk of the development team suddenly defected to (traitor) Mike Wilson's Gathering of Developers. But hey, they were dead weight anyway, right? What did they know? Heck, they were only the game's programmers and level designers. Their departure sure didn't affect development, because the great Romero told us so. Besides, we already know that the great Romero is the workhorse on the project. In fact, we're amazed that he can find time to attend all those parties and events, and still work so diligently and lovingly on his masterpiece. Playing the multiplayer demo has given us great insight into the game. Oh yeah, we could tell you about the amazing Quake-like graphics, the hot Quake-like gameplay, and the intense Quake-like multiplayer matches we've played. But that wouldn't even come close to describing it. Frankly, it's unbelievable! So when will we finally get to see this eighth wonder of the world? Well, according to the great Romero, we'll see Daikatana later this year. And the great Romero is always right, right? It's no wonder why our readers chose this as the number one game you'll never see. Sure, Daikatana may be a "real" game; however, because enough readers submitted it as a game you'll never see, we deemed it eligible for our top 10 list. |
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