Quotable Quotes: Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! Steve Bluestone Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." Paula Poundstone I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. Jeff Stilson I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. Lily Tomlin Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. A. Whitney Brown Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed Bluestone The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" Jay Leno I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." Mike Binder Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. Stephen Leacock You have a cough ? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. Pearl Williams I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobel Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. Billiam Coronel A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. Joey Adams Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. Joey Adams There is no accounting for tastes, as the woman said when somebody told her that her husband was wanted by the police. Franklin P. Adams. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. George Ade An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured. Konrad Adenauer A house is not a home. Polly Adler. (American madam) It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen Imitation is the sincerest form of television. Fred Allen Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority. Robert Altman If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. Bobcat Goldthwait Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. Jim Carrey I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? John Mendoza Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. Bob Ettinger I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman. Bruce Baum I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners. Jeff Stilson Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Sue Murphy The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. Rita Mae Brown Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. Ellen DeGeneres USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. David Letterman A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.' Jake Johansen I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' Jerry Seinfeld Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner. Lynda Montgomery Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. Paul Rodriguez And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!' Emo Phillips The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger Himon I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $241 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks,"Do you want fries with that?" The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. Dave Barry Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself. Mark Twain ======================================================================= Seinfeld's take on matters............. ON CLOTHES - - - -I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!" TRAVELING - - - -I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch. - - - -You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each. - - - -Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them." - - - -You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles." DEATH - - - -The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?" How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement....the killer must have been...Jim." THAT'S ODD - - - -I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there." But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?" - - - - Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called it." And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?" If there was a kid court of law it holds up. "Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat. "The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed." ON DATING - - - -Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?" - - - -What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later." ON SEX - - - -Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. - - - -Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm - all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming anywhere." THE RELATIONSHIP - - - -Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up." - - - -The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy. ====================================================================== * For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. * Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? * Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! * I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol * I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. * Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm * Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding * Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese * I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week * I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met * I intend to live forever - so far, so good * I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy * If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! * Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! * Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States * Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. * Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have * Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. * The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. * Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. * If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. * Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. * When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. * Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. * Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? * What happens if you get scared half to death twice? * I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. * Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. * Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. * Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. * OK, so what's the speed of dark? * Black holes are where God divided by zero. ========================================================== Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Don't squat with your spurs on. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - WC. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.. but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey Pop singer ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder." Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "China is a big country, inhabited by many CHINESE." Former French President Charles de Gaulle ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The Internet is a great way to get on the Net." Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "It's like an alcatraz around my neck." Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Half this game is ninety percent mental." Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could onverse with those people." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry KingLive" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." A congressional candidate in Texas ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." General William Westmoreland, during the war in Vietnam. **************************************************