The Washington Post published a contest for readers in
which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for
various words.

The following were some of the winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you
have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by
a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your
soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.