Kids Say the Darndest Things



Some grade school teachers must agree with the title, because they keep
journals of amusing things their students have written in papers.  Here
are a few examples:

- The future of "I give" is "I take."

- The parts of speech are lungs and air.

- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

- A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the 
  population.

- Water is composed of two gins.  Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is pure 
  gin.  Hydrogin is gin and water.

- (Define H20 and C02.)  H20 is hot water and C02 is cold.

- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing 
  it through an aviator.

- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones.  The head sits on the top 
  and you sit on the bottom.

- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our 
  silk from rayon.  He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly   
  constipated authorities.

- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until 
  it drips into the throat.

- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply 
  religious feelings.

- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the 
  top and plural at the bottom.

- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up 
  the other.

- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

- When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

- To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

- When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

- Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free 
  state.

- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

- Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration,and then 
  expectoration.

- The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

- Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead 
  of the bull.

- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
  perspire.

- A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

- Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

- The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the
  abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains 
  the heart and lungs, and the bominable cavity contains the bowls, of 
  which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.

- The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

- The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

- The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out 
  and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is 
  something to hitch meat to.

- A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, 
  two molars, and eight cuspidors.

- The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends 
  towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature 
  abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

- Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

- Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

- Liter: A nest of young puppies.

- Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

- Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

- Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

- Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is 
  affirmative or negative.

- To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

- For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the 
  heart stops.

- For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to 
  make Artificial perspiration.

- For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above 
  the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest 
  medical doctor.

- For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not 
  recovered, then kill it.

- For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is 
  dead.

- To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.

- For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in 
  your throat.

- To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.

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   From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
	 asked  to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
 

  My young brother asked me what happens after we die.  I told him we
  get  buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.  I guess I
  should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
  eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.   
				Age 10

 
  When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better
  have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
				Age 5

 
  I once heard the voice of God.  It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."  Unless it was
  just a lawn mower.   
				Age 11

 
  I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry.  I imagine
  that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of
  water for some tiny cities by the lake.  As the lake gets drier, the
  population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
  Once there was a big fire and everyone died.  
				Age 13

 
  I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my
  dog.  Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away
  all of his stuff.  Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.  
				Age 14

 
  I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
  why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
  clothes on the last day of their life?   
				Age 15

 
  Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
  about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"  
				Age 15

 
  It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
  birthday, like they do for the queen.  Of course, then we would have a
  lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26,
  just for the long weekends.   
				Age 8

 
  As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
  few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
  days saved up.   
				Age 7

 
  Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
  just any old yokel vote.  
				Age 10

 
  Home is where the house is.  
				Age 6

 
  Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
  That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.  
				Age 15

 
  It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
  accident.  No, wait.  That would be good because if anyone needed it,
  the blood would be right there.  
				Age 5

 
  Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
  the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.  
				Age 13

 
  The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think
  it odd that I drive without pants.  
				Age 15

 
  I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. 
				Age 13
 

  For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
  Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
  That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.  
				Age 6
 

  Think of the biggest number you can.  Now add five.  Then, imagine if
  you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest
  number you could come up with!   
				Age 6
 

  The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
  "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is
  morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" 
				Age 15

 
  Once, I wept for I had no shoes.  Then I came upon a man who had no
  feet.  So I took his shoes.  I mean, it's not like he really needed
  them, right?  
				Age 15
 

  I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
  people think he should be.  Then, I remember it's because he sucks. 
				Age 15

 
  I gaze at the brilliant full moon.  The same one, I think to myself,
  at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.  Suddenly, I imagine 
  they appear beside me.  I tell Socrates about the national debate over
  one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.
  I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to
  Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution.  I tell Aristotle 
  that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him 
  a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one.  
  They  gasp with wonder.  We spend the rest of the night lighting 
  farts.  
				Age 15
 

  If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
  peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
  looting started.  
				Age 15