QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road? Plato -- For the greater good. Karl Marx -- It was a historical inevitability. Machiavelli -- So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for who among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. Jacques Derrida -- Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid, as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is dead. Noam Chomsky -- The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken coops break every international law ever written, and some, particularly the ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one or two have crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens happily dancing around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks. [Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact Onanian Press.] Timothy Leary -- Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. B. F. Skinner -- Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. Richard Nixon -- Edgar will find out! Or, uh, we could put, uh, Liddy on it. Liddy. I worry about Liddy sometimes. Remember when we assigned him to figure out which 1 of those [expletive deleted] passenger pigeons had been leaking campaign secrets? Albert Einstein -- Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Aristotle -- To actualize its potential. Buddha -- If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature. Howard Cosell -- It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence. Catherine Mackinnon -- Because, in this patriarchal state, for the last 4 centuries, men have applied their principles of justice in determining how chickens should be cared for, their language has demeaned the identity of the chicken, their technology and trucks have decided how and where chickens will be distributed, their science has become the basis for what chickens eat, their sense of humor has provided the framework for this joke, their art and film have given us our perception of chicken life, their lust for flesh has made the chicken the most consumed animal in the US, and their legal system has left the chicken with no other recourse. Bill Clinton -- It is one of the challenging problems of our time, isn't it? And, although we have known of this problem for many years, nobody has ever taken it seriously enough to really feel the chicken's pain. Clearly we need to move forward on this issue in a measured, humane way, bearing in mind that the federal government can't be all things to all creatures, but that, in the final analysis, it is the Constitution of this great land of ours which guarantees freedom of action, within prudent limits, for all of us. God bless you, and thanks for asking. Bob Dole -- How should I know? Get that microphone out of my face! Emily Dickinson -- Because it could not stop for death. Ralph Waldo Emerson -- It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Ernest Hemingway -- To die. In the rain. Jack Nicholson -- 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. Roseanne Barr -- 'Urrrrrp. What chicken?' Wolfgang von Beethoven -- 'What? Speak up.' Bill the Cat -- 'Oop Ack. Ppthpt.' Gilligan -- The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail, the chicken would be lost. The chicken would be lost! Newton -- Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road. Star Trek: James T. Kirk -- To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Mr. Scott -- 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain! Dr. McCoy -- Dammit Jim!! I'm a doctor not an farmer! Mr. Spock -- Obviously, it was the logical thing to do. Mr. Worf -- For the honor of all chickens. Mr. T -- If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too! ============================================================================ Wanna know why the chicken crossed the road? Answers: Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999. The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was. Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens. Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told! Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature. Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette. Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty. Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him. Mulder: It was a government conspiracy. Scully: It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens. Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads. Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?" The Pope: That is only for God to know. Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will. Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time. George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests. Colonel Sanders: I missed one? Plato: For the greater good. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? The Sphinx: You tell me. Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time. WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace. GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. VOLTAIRE I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. Alone. DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! RONALD REAGAN What chicken? GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. LOUIS FARRAKHAN The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. RALPH NADER The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please? FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? KEN STARR I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.) KARL MARX It was an historical inevitability. MARTHA STEWART No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmers market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. BILL GATES I have just released eChicken XP, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? COLONEL SANDERS I missed one? FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.