Somewhere, apparently lost in space, the Enterprise has encountered the
dreaded Borg.  In a desperate move, Picard prepares to unleash Plan 9:


     
<Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding
a weakness in the Borg?  And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their
command pathways?" 
     
<Geordi>  "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through
our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." 
     
<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.>
     
<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?" 
     
<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for
some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside
their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an
unstoppable rate." 
     
<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" 
     
<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg 
will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal
operational functions." 
     
<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric
shape' idea." 
     
 ... 15 Minutes Later ...
     
<Data>  "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command
unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources.  However,
we have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'." 
     
<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to
compensate for their increase." 
     
<Picard>  "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we might have missed." 
     
<Data>  "Sir, I believe I have found the a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade'.  Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by
not sending in something called a `registration card.`" 
     
<Riker>  "Captain, we have no choice.  Request permission to begin emergency
escape sequence 3F ..." 
     
<Geordi, excited>  "Wait, Captain -- their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped
to 0%!" 
     
<Picard>  "Data, what does your scanners show?" 
     
<Data>  "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named
'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity." 
     
<Picard>  "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality." 
     
.... Two Hours Pass ...
     
<Riker>  "Geordi -- what's the status on the Borg?" 
     
<Geordi>  "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
increase resources, our closest deep space monitor beacon transmits more
'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'. 
     
<Picard> "How much time will that buy us?" 
     
<Data>  "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours." 
     
<Geordi>  "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector." 
     
<Picard>  "Identify." 
     
<Data>  "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..."

     
<Over the speakers>  "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT 
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.  WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED 
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.  SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID 
ANY TROUBLE.  YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS." 
     
<Data>  "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects." 
     
<Picard>  "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft." 
     
<Riker>  "Good God, captain!  Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits!  How can they survive the tortures of
deep space?!" 
     
<Data>  "I do not believe that those are humans, sir.  I believe that they
are carrying Twentieth Century apparel called `Armani suits" and carrying
containers known as `doe skin leather 
briefcases.`" 
     
<Picard>  "That can only mean one thing -- "
     
<Riker and Picard together horrified>  "Lawyers!!" 
     
<Geordi>  "It can't be.  All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening." 
     
<Data>  "True, but apparently some must have survived." 
     
<Riker>  "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types of papers." 
     
<Data>  "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' -- it
often proves fatal." 
     
<Riker>  "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!" 
     
<Picard>  "Turn off the monitors.  I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg
deserve that." 
     
END